Wrapped Up Like a Blog

7) Jack Frost/Jack Frost

You want a cute (if slightly creepy) story about a loving dad who dies and comes back to life as a snowman to make his son's life happy? Too bad. You got a creepy (intentionally, this time) story of a serial killer who dies and comes back to life as a snowman. To kill people and stuff.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0141109/

A father, who can't keep his promises, dies in a car accident. One year later, he returns as a snowman, who has the final chance to put things right with his son before he is gone forever.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116671/

A serial killer dies, comes back as a snowman, and wreaks havoc.

6) Fair Game/Fair Game

You want a gripping, ripped-from-the-headlines tale of real-life spycraft and betrayal starring Oscar Winner Sean Penn and Oscar nominee Na

omi Watts. You get a crappy flick starring one of the “Other” Baldwin brothers (though thankfully not Stephen) best known for its nipple shots of th

at chick with the mole who used to host House of Style. Oh, and it was nominated for several prestigious Razzie awards.

“CIA operative Valerie Plame discovers her identity is allegedly leaked by the government as payback for an op-ed article her husband wrote criticizing the Bush administration.”

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1065868-fair_game/#

“Supermodel and sex symbol Cindy Crawford made her acting debut in this high-decibel thriller.”

You and your SO are in the mood for a musical starrin

g sexy Oscar winner Daniel Day Lewis and sexy Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren and Judi Dench (rawr). Instead, you end up with a post-apocalyptic rag doll cartoon. Really. How romantic.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121533507

“The new film Nine is a tricky thing to describe: It's a big-screen adaptation of a Tony Award-winning stage show, which was inspired by Federico Fellini's '60s movie 8 1/2 — which itself is based on a particular period in the iconic filmmaker's life.”

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472033/

4) Notorious/Notorious

You are on an Alfred Hitchcock kick. You want a taut psychological thriller about betrayal and nuclear secrets with Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant. Oops! Sorry, you’ve ended up with a tale of rap and an unraveling of the mystery of exactl

y what the B the I and the G stand for.

“The life and death story of Notorious B.I.G. (a.k.a. Christopher Wallace), who came straight out of Brooklyn to take the world of rap music by storm.”

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0356910/

“A bored married couple is surprised to learn that they are both assassins hired by competing agencies to kill each other.”

“Further, the project provided cinema's Maste

r of Suspense, Alfred Hitchcock, with his one and only career opportunity to direct a light romantic comedy.”

2) Avengers/Avengers

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0848228/

“The S.H.I.E.L.D. agency brings together a team of superhumans to help save the Earth from annihilation by extraterrestrial invaders.”

http://www.reelviews.net/movies/a/avengers.html

“Unfortunately, this motion picture has been so badly mismanaged that it's hard to imagine anyone actually enjoying it (or, for that matter, understanding it).”

1) Up/Up!

What you want:

Finally, it’s time for family movie night. You want a film that everyone can enjoy, from junior to grandpa. You are looking for a movie that has everything: critical acclaim, an Oscar, a giant hyperintelligent bird creature and talking dogs. Impossible to find, you say? Well I say thee nay!

You want Up, the whimsical tale of a squished old dude and a chubby kid who travel to, um, somewhere, and get into all kinds of whacky adventures. It’s hard for us to remember most of it, since we spent the better part of an hour wiping our eyes after the opening, silent montage made us cry like we were little fat kids who were made fun of for walking around in our scout uniforms all day.

What you got instead:

http://www.filmposters.com/images/posters/9641.jpg
Also, there is a man in a gimp mask. And lots and lots of sex. And nudity. There may not be a flying house, but there are plenty of balloons, if you know what we mean (and if you don’t , look at the poster again for crying out loud. Heck, who are we kidding, you probably took one look at that poster and immediately tried to rent the darn thing yourself. We know your type).
We know what you’re thinking: “Does it, at least, have a gripping and thematically poignant plot which makes it artistic and worthwhile?” Wait, did you see the poster? Did you read the part where it has a gimp and a whole lotta sex?

Did we mention the part where an Adolph Hitler lookalike is killed by man-eating fish in a bathtub? No? Not exactly cutesy birds and talking dogs, but it’ll do for animal lovers.It does live up to its title. If it doesn’t get you Up it’ll get you Up in arms. Now, if our flying houses would only take us to where that lady is hanging out…